The idea of loyalty to family is ingrained in our culture. Our cultural vernacular reflects this. The saying “blood is thicker than water” was shortened from “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”—meaning that a soldier’s loyalty to one another was a stronger bond than to their family. However, in our common language, the saying has come to mean that the bonds of family inspire a loyalty greater than any other relationship. Loyalty is expressed through demonstration of commitment to one another. In families, we can practice this throughout the generations.
*Children.* Children deserve to feel the loyalty and commitment of their parents. They need to grow up with the security of seeing repeated demonstrations of their parents’ commitment to them. This commitment can be communicated by taking an interest in their activities, assignments, thoughts, and emotions. It also requires being there and demonstrating your love and connection to them even when they fail. Children need parents to be a trustworthy “secure base” that they know they can rely on in any situation.
*Partners.* As adults in committed relationships, our most important loyalty is to our partners. A strong, healthy partner relationship allows us to give all that is needed to our children. Most of marriage is choosing to love one another and to stay true to one another—day, after day, after day. There are many opportunities to choose to depart from vows, or to break our promises to one another. Loyalty is not just in the words we say on the day we commit—it’s about continuing to demonstrate that commitment for the rest of our lives.
*Parents.* Over time, especially as parents age, we’re able to demonstrate loyalty to them by returning the care they gave to us as children. As their health declines, roles reverse and children become caregivers for the parents who once cared for them. *There are many competing demands for this “sandwich generation” who are raising children and also caring for their aging parents. Work, home, extended family, and coordinating care for everyone in all the generations is exhausting.* However, taking on that caregiving role is a distinct way to demonstrate loyalty to parents, even when it’s not convenient.
*Limitations.* I don’t agree that family loyalty should be put above all else—particularly above love, safety, and respect. Sometimes, families who are too strict about the importance of loyalty are using that idea as a way to silence someone’s pain or hide unhealthy relationship patterns. For example, in families with abuse, there is often a clearly stated rule that loyalty means you don’t tell anyone else about what’s going on in the home. This creates a toxic environment where the most vulnerable members of the family are not protected and abuse can thrive. When someone’s safety is at risk, or there is a lack of love and respect in the family, it is much better to reach out and demonstrate commitment to those people (even outside the family) who are truly healthy supports. After all—the abusive family member isn’t being loyal in demonstrating a loving commitment in the first place.
By Grace Wilson
#charactertrait_loyalty
#buildingacharacterfoundation
1 Samuel 20:14, 15 – “And may you treat me with the faithful love of the Lord as long as I live. But if I die, treat my family with this faithful love, even when the Lord destroys all your enemies. So Jonathan made a covenant with David, saying, ’May the Lord destroy all your enemies!’”